Online Dating is Nothing but Losers Like You

August 31, 2010 at 7:28 am (Uncategorized)

Breaking: everyone involved in online dating is a craven, superficial liar. And that’s the good news. We’re all equal! Dating should be a breeze, since we’re all young, tall, wealthy, and attractive (online). But the evidence says: love’s tough.

In a new data-mining study of online dating of the sort that everyone trying to fill a news hole loves, the following facts were revealed: Men think women go downhill after age 21. A 5’8 guy needs to make $80K more than a 5’10 guy to be judged as attractive as him. And neither are as attractive as a broke, six-foot tall guy. The majority of people make themselves taller and slimmer online. They also raise their pay by 20% (or more, if they’re older). And uh, “80% of self-identified bisexuals are only interested in one gender.”

In other words, everybody’s pretty much less attractive than we say we are. (Except bisexuals, who are apparently just teases). So you’d think it would be easy to just knock about 25% off anyone’s stated attractiveness in an online profile, and move on from there. But the US birth rate is declining, so love connections don’t seem to be that easy to come by. Where oh where are all the sexxxy, college-educated women? They’re lap dancers now.

If you want love for free, you have to take what you can get these days.


1 Comment

  1. zrqr said,

    boom chica wowow

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